


gross

by haileylikestowrite



Series: vent fics [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, taking too manny pills, trigger warning, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 15:33:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18391247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haileylikestowrite/pseuds/haileylikestowrite
Summary: (trigger warning) The world fucking sucks.





	gross

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning. not proof read sorry.

Michael didn’t want to be like this.

God no. Michael wanted to be normal, and happy. He didn’t want to be sad all the time, or think that his friends were abandoning him when they did stuff with other people. No, he didn’t want that.

Michael didn’t want to feel the need to take four too many of his anxiety pills just to feel relaxed. He didn’t want to have the constant urge to throw up after he did so, or the inability to eat anything all day because his body was fucking destroyed from the medication that already made him sick from taking just one.

Michael didn’t want to feel like he needed to kill himself. Then why did he feel that way? How come the insane amount of therapy that Michael went through didn’t help? How come the pills didn’t help? Why didn’t anything help? Why did standing at the top of the cliff feel so right?

Well, it felt right until the drowning began to start again.

Michael knew that when his body was shaking it was about to happen. The tears that fell from his eyes came next as the lump in his throat got bigger and bigger and bigger until he couldn’t breathe anymore. Now Michael is suffocating and the water is surrounding and he can’t see anything because it’s dark he’s alone. He’s screaming but no sound is coming from his mouth because now he is underwater and he’s drowning and drowning and drowning and then he wakes up.

Thirty minutes later, he’s laying on the ground next to the cliff. His eyes are puffy, his breathing is slow but jagged. Michael’s been crying. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. To jump off. To end this. No, of course he couldn’t. He’s a coward.

Michael curls back into a ball and sobs.

It hurts, oh god it hurts. It hurts knowing that he checks up on everyone, but no one checks up on him. It hurts know that he is the person people can always fall back on when a relationship goes wrong. It hurts knowing that he’s in bed crying at night but texting jokes to his friends to make them laugh after their bad day. It hurts so much.

He goes home.

Michael sneaks back into his basement at one in the morning. He’s tired, hurt, distant. Michael takes five anxiety pills before going to bed. He knows it’s not going to kill him, just make him sick and feel gross for a few days. Michael would rather be sick than anxious. Michael would rather be sick than showing signs that he wasn’t emotionally stable. Michael would rather feel sick than show any signs that he was thinking of suicide. Michael would much rather feel sick, because at least it covers up not being okay, right? Right.

The world fucking sucks.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry


End file.
